More often than not, I am pretty reserved. I think I figured out why.
Whenever I let go of all reserve, and am really myself, I think I come off as overbearing. And every time I am comfortable with a friend, I get hurt. I just really wish that people could love me for me, despite the parts about me that they may not like. It's called love. We aren't called to love people because we enjoy being around them, or because there is nothing to dislike about them. We are called to love people. No matter how annoying we may be.
God, I thank you for loving me just the way I am. Your mercy is more than wonderful.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Can endorphins prompt talkativeness?
So yesterday I wasn't in a very talkative mood -that is, until after I worked out. And minus the 12 hour migraine, I haven't stopped talking since. I am pretty sure I have started to annoy everyone around me with talking, so here are some things I have to say. Whether they are important or not, well, that is for you to decide.
- I shouldn't have caffeine the night before an interview.
- I need to have a better attitude about a certain situation in my life. I think I have prayed, "Remove me from this situation," or, "change the situation," enough. It is time to honestly desire for myself to have a better attitude. This is difficult because, quite frankly, I don't know how. How do I not react to certain things? How do I respond maturely? How do I support something I disagree with on so many levels? Do I have to determine to agree with it because that's the way it is and it must be "God-ordained"? This situation produces a lot of emotions and awkwardness for me. I am flat out tired of dealing with it. But it is a part of my life and I have to deal with it. I am going to start my attitude change with being thankful that this is one of the toughest things in my life right now, and put into perspective, it's really not that bad.
- I still have not taken down my Christmas tree. And I didn't do laundry today like I needed to. And I didn't go to my grandparent's house like I said I prob was. And I didn't apply for any new jobs or do any job searching. And I didn't wash my car. Conclusion: I was supposed to have a productive day today, and I had a very unproductive day. But my day was not wasted, as I spent some time in prayer, as well as some time with my sisters. Thank you, Stacy for taking care of me when my head was being obnoxious this morning.
- Why is it that I have SO MUCH to say?!! Can't I slow my brain down?! Why do I feel as though someone, besides God, needs to know what I am thinking?
- How do I have confidence without being obnoxious or annoying? If you are my friend, will you tell me when I am being annoying or overbearing?
- How come caffeine stimulates my mind so much? How come I feel so much better when having consumed it? It doesn't seem like it's so bad at the moment. But how do I consume it and not become addicted?
- AHHHH so much going through my head. It must stop so I can rest for my early and busy day tomorrow.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
It's time to write.
As I lay here, I am wishing that I would fall back asleep. Because I dread the exhaustion I will feel all day, esp around 3pm.
So, since I cannot sleep, I will write, because, let's face it, that's what everyone does when they can't sleep, right?
What Church Means to Me
As I reflect on my "church" experiences the last couple of months, I notice a pattern, a way of surviving, if you will. But in order for you to understand what this means to me, I must start with who I am, and how church correlates to me.
Who I am: a theologian. Even though I may not currently be practicing theology, it is what I love and who I am.
Church? Well, it serves to be a disappointment to me as a theologian.
Who I am: a Bible scholar. I do not claim to be a good Bible scholar by any means, but it is what I love and who I am.
Church? You see, it also serves to be a disappointment to me as a Bible scholar.
Who I am: a part of the body of Christ. I thrive in community, and could not live without it.
Church? Thankfully, serves to be a community to me as a part of the body of Christ.
These are three general statements, so please do not take offense. I am not speaking about one specific church, but primarily the pentecostal church, because that is what I know. (I know from experience how harmful general statements can be -harm is in no way meant.)
As I was sitting in church the other day, I became amazingly aware of something beautiful. I was surrounded by people that I love and support, and these people love and support me. As I reflect on that moment, I am so grateful that I have such a wide range of community in my life, and that it always extends to where ever I am in life -whether I see it or not. And this, this is more important to me than anything else on earth (aside from God, because, God is here on earth -in everything beautiful and loving).
However much I appreciate the community God has given me, I cannot forget the other components of who I am, and how they relate to the church. So, here goes - [stepping onto soap box]
The Church (as I have experienced it) has become so disconnected with theology and biblical scholarship, and I cannot seem to understand why this has happened. How could I have grown up in church and not have a clue about the history of Christianity until I went to college?! How come it is so important to know the history of the world we live in, yet the impact Christianity has had on it has been forgotten in not only the classroom, but the church as well?!
Sometimes the church as I know it is a joke. Where is the teaching? Where is the life of love that is to be lived, based on the teachings of Christ? Where is the knowledge that leads to abundant life? There is SO MUCH MORE to be learned, and SO MUCH MORE growth to be had.
Maybe the focus was too intellectual, so the church took the opposite approach, and left the importance of intellect out of spirituality. This is a terrible thing, folks, because there is only a certain level of spiritual maturity that can be reached without the intellectual aspect of your relationship with Christ.
I have found that among my peers, there is a longing, a deep desire for more than meets the eye. And I feel that we are being hung out to dry, forgotten within the church. Where are our mentors? Where are our teachers?
We must press on. We must learn from those who have gone before us with intellectual spirituality. I believe it can be translated as so: We. Must. Read. And we must read more than 'spiritual self help books.' We must read about our history. We must read what our founding fathers (and mothers) have left us! We must read what our theologians and biblical scholars are saying today. Because, it is important. It does matter. Even if we disagree, we must know what we are disagreeing with! It is important.
That pattern I was talking about (way back at the beginning of this post)? It's a pattern of making up for what is lacking with community. It is a way of life that I learned in college through a little thing called the Women's Roundtable. There was a lack of support for women in the department, so we came together (with the vision of Beth Staton and Barb Searcy and many other WONDERFUL women and men) and formed a community. This community was support, love, encouragement. Through this community I found personal growth, and made it through college quite successfully, despite obstacles and opposition.
I am truly grateful for that model of community, as I continue to grow in my current community of love and support.
So, in conclusion to all of this mumbo-jumbo, as the church fails me theologically and scholarly, I must do all that I can to change it. To revive the importance of intellect in the church. And I must cherish the community that I have found in the church, because, let's face it, that is why I continue to go.
So, since I cannot sleep, I will write, because, let's face it, that's what everyone does when they can't sleep, right?
What Church Means to Me
As I reflect on my "church" experiences the last couple of months, I notice a pattern, a way of surviving, if you will. But in order for you to understand what this means to me, I must start with who I am, and how church correlates to me.
Who I am: a theologian. Even though I may not currently be practicing theology, it is what I love and who I am.
Church? Well, it serves to be a disappointment to me as a theologian.
Who I am: a Bible scholar. I do not claim to be a good Bible scholar by any means, but it is what I love and who I am.
Church? You see, it also serves to be a disappointment to me as a Bible scholar.
Who I am: a part of the body of Christ. I thrive in community, and could not live without it.
Church? Thankfully, serves to be a community to me as a part of the body of Christ.
These are three general statements, so please do not take offense. I am not speaking about one specific church, but primarily the pentecostal church, because that is what I know. (I know from experience how harmful general statements can be -harm is in no way meant.)
As I was sitting in church the other day, I became amazingly aware of something beautiful. I was surrounded by people that I love and support, and these people love and support me. As I reflect on that moment, I am so grateful that I have such a wide range of community in my life, and that it always extends to where ever I am in life -whether I see it or not. And this, this is more important to me than anything else on earth (aside from God, because, God is here on earth -in everything beautiful and loving).
However much I appreciate the community God has given me, I cannot forget the other components of who I am, and how they relate to the church. So, here goes - [stepping onto soap box]
The Church (as I have experienced it) has become so disconnected with theology and biblical scholarship, and I cannot seem to understand why this has happened. How could I have grown up in church and not have a clue about the history of Christianity until I went to college?! How come it is so important to know the history of the world we live in, yet the impact Christianity has had on it has been forgotten in not only the classroom, but the church as well?!
Sometimes the church as I know it is a joke. Where is the teaching? Where is the life of love that is to be lived, based on the teachings of Christ? Where is the knowledge that leads to abundant life? There is SO MUCH MORE to be learned, and SO MUCH MORE growth to be had.
Maybe the focus was too intellectual, so the church took the opposite approach, and left the importance of intellect out of spirituality. This is a terrible thing, folks, because there is only a certain level of spiritual maturity that can be reached without the intellectual aspect of your relationship with Christ.
I have found that among my peers, there is a longing, a deep desire for more than meets the eye. And I feel that we are being hung out to dry, forgotten within the church. Where are our mentors? Where are our teachers?
We must press on. We must learn from those who have gone before us with intellectual spirituality. I believe it can be translated as so: We. Must. Read. And we must read more than 'spiritual self help books.' We must read about our history. We must read what our founding fathers (and mothers) have left us! We must read what our theologians and biblical scholars are saying today. Because, it is important. It does matter. Even if we disagree, we must know what we are disagreeing with! It is important.
That pattern I was talking about (way back at the beginning of this post)? It's a pattern of making up for what is lacking with community. It is a way of life that I learned in college through a little thing called the Women's Roundtable. There was a lack of support for women in the department, so we came together (with the vision of Beth Staton and Barb Searcy and many other WONDERFUL women and men) and formed a community. This community was support, love, encouragement. Through this community I found personal growth, and made it through college quite successfully, despite obstacles and opposition.
I am truly grateful for that model of community, as I continue to grow in my current community of love and support.
So, in conclusion to all of this mumbo-jumbo, as the church fails me theologically and scholarly, I must do all that I can to change it. To revive the importance of intellect in the church. And I must cherish the community that I have found in the church, because, let's face it, that is why I continue to go.
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